you may be hesitant to want to listen to me today, given how rude I can be to you at times. But don’t fear my words, not today, please. As I type these words, my heart is wide open: I present my naked self before you, and I surrender… plain and vulnerable, as the human I am.
I am immensely thankful to have you. You allow me to live my life how I please, doing the activities that I enjoy doing, and sharing them with the people I love. For 22 years, you have supported every single decision I have made, trying your hardest to fulfill my wishes and make me happy. Again, I thank you.
But this is a letter of gratefulness just as much as it is of apology. We both know the list of things I have to apologize to you for, and today is not the time to name them all. But they can be summed up in one sentence: I once believed that you were wrong, too wrong to be loved.
I believed that because you didn’t look like the girls in the magazines; you were unworthy. “Everyone loves these girls, why aren’t you more like them so I too can be worthy of love?” Is one of the things I would say to you. I didn’t trust you. If I let you do your job, I thought, you would turn me into an undesirable being. And by God, I was no longer going to be and “undesirable” girl. I wanted to be liked, I wanted to be accepted. I just wanted to be loved. And I was convinced that you were getting in the way.
So I started hating you. All of you. Your flaws were the obstacles between me and my happiness. One day I decided to put an end to this, and I deprived you from food as much as I could. Remember? Remember when you would make my stomach growl from starvation, and I’d just smile in happiness, thinking I was doing you right? Remember how happy I was when you asked for food and I was “strong enough” to say NO? But I put a mask on this sick-thinking pattern; I made you believe that I was looking out for you. And we both made the world believe that we were healthier than we had ever been. Behind that mask, we were safe…
I am happy to say that I don’t hate you anymore. But that’s easy for now, since I have molded you into the shape I always wanted, even though it is against your nature. I promise I will trust you again soon. I promise I will let you do your job. But I am not ready yet. I am not ready to love you unconditionally, for who you truly are. Meanwhile, I ask you to please be patient. We are in this together… and we will get through it. I just wish I loved you as much as you